The Pornographic Conspiracy
Posted by Max on 19 Feb 2010

We have a disquieting issue in the world today, hidden from scrutiny but still kept in plain sight: There is a conspiracy at hand, plaguing us in a way that is quite literally pornographic in nature. More and more often, we see so-called erotic art that has been doctored and airbrushed to the point where the models look as though they’re actually made of plastic. Not only that, but the scenes and images that we are subjected to are disturbingly mechanical, and have an almost metallic quality about them. The idea of robots as sexual objects seems far-fetched, and yet folks still find the thought stimulating, even as they remain completely unaware of the insidious plot to which they are falling victim.

Think for a moment about pornography: It’s all plastic and metal, like a Barbie doll that a young boy has secretly stolen from his sister. Our society has been trained to find perfection in the flawless skin and fluid motions of a ball-bearing joint. It’s almost as though we’re being groomed to see machines as a source of eroticism, which wouldn’t be nearly as disturbing if it weren’t for that fact that most pornography – at least nowadays – is viewed on computers.

Unless it is one’s wish to become a sexual slave for a mechanical master, online erotica is simply not safe. The obvious solution is to purvey one’s pornography through a more meticulous method, perhaps by visiting a local video store and making use of that tired old television in the living room. Ah, but then again, what is a television if not just a computer without a keyboard, made of the same pernicious plastic and metal? Also, magazines are designed and created by devious electronic entities, ruling them out as a safe source of smut, and even erotic literature has had every page of sordid text go through the vile clutches of a mechanical printing press.

Clearly, we need a new medium for our filth, one untouched by these malevolent machines. Fortunately, there is an easy and readily available alternative: Woodcut erotica! Imagine a portrait of pornography, lovingly carved into the grain of a piece of solid oak! It brings a whole new meaning to the term “Getting wood!” And why stop there? Picture the dirtiest of scenes played out in the tantalizing swirls of dark mud, or a fresco of decadent debauchery hewn into the solid face of a mountain! It’s enough to make you rock hard! But that’s far from the end of one’s options: Think of the potential for arousing entertainment in the coalescing foam of the surging ocean! You’ve never seen girls this wet! Or the desperate orgasmic climax that comes from the lascivious flows of raging lava pulsing beneath the scintillating panorama of shuddering pleasure given off by the orgy of stars in their carnal constellations! Now that is a massively hot nova of powerful porn!

Excuse me, I think I need to go on a nature hike…